i don't like sucking hair
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
