Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
