Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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