I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
