He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
