glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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