you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
