I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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