you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
