Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
