I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There's always time for handjobs
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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