I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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