Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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