I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
