Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You are the jesus of drinking
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
