Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
