in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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