i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
