I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
