Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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