I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
