walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
