I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
