you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
