Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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