So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
