There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
