I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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