I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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