If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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