Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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