If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
this just has baby written all over it
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
