two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
