Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
