Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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