I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
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