thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
