I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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