I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
