I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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