Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
