How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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