WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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