We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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