My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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