he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
