remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Randomize
