Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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