i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
