she told me i tasted like america
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
