things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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