OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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