i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
