I just made out with a guy for $7.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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