I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
she pinky promised me she was 18
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
