I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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