And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
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To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
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I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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