i can't believe i had my finger in that
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
