if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
