Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
