You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Randomize
