A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
