I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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