yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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