Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
