Duck Duck Cougar?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
